Finding Faith, part 4: The Lump in My Neck
A lump. Have you ever gotten a lump in your body? Do you freak out? Stay calm? Jump to a hundred different conclusions?
A few years back, I had one on the back corner of my neck and I was trying to stay calm, because “jumping to conclusions” is my middle name. Erica Jumping-to-Conclusions Goode. Exactly.
I was sure it was fine and nothing, but I also secretly thought about it every day.
At my next annual checkup, which I quickly scheduled 4 months early, I had my doctor look at my neck lump. “It’s small. Probably just a swollen lymph node. I’m not too concerned,” she said, “But we should get a better look just to be sure.” So she scheduled me for a full chest x-ray the same day to check for swollen lymph nodes in my chest to rule out lymphoma.
It was highly unlikely it was lymphoma, but precautionary. I was already feeling better that she wasn’t concerned, but I appreciated a good hardy “double check”.
My doctor’s office was in the same hospital building where I needed to go, so the whole thing would be really easy and convenient. I left my doctor’s office and walked down the hall to a receptionist desk where I would check in to my outpatient x-ray.
As you know, when you check into a hospital procedure, it comes with a mountain of paperwork. Luckily, the receptionist was able to pull over most of my medical and insurance information from the doctor’s office I just left.
This was going swimmingly. There were just a few final questions she needed to ask me.
“Have you ever had any procedures done at this hospital before?” Nope.
“Are you currently taking any medications?” Nope.
“Emergency contact?” My husband.
“Religion?” I’m sorry, what?
“Do you want to put down a religion?” I stared blankly at her.
It caught me off guard to hear this standard hospital question. The question they ask you so that they can throw a priest, minister, or rabbi your direction in any unfortunate situation that can occur in a hospital. The question I had more or less ignored for the past decade.
But it caught me off guard that day. That day was different.
The poor woman didn’t know what she was asking. She didn’t know that I had spent my childhood church upbringing confused and frustrated. She didn’t know I spent the last decade hiding from religion. She didn’t know that I had just recently buckled down and committed to going to church so I could figure out my beliefs. She didn’t know I had just finished reading the entire Bible in search of answers.
She was literally the first person in years to ask me what I believed. Even my own family knew better than to ask me that question.
This poor woman. She walked right into it.
She repeated herself again snapping me back to reality, “Did you want to put a religion down? You don’t have to.”
Am I starting to hyperventilate? Is it getting hot in here? Where are the exits in this room? Panic started filling my brain.
I could have easily said “no.” I’d done it before, and it was fine. But today was different. I didn’t want to just say “no” today. I wanted to say something different.
This was my “ride or die” moment. Have you ever had one of those in life? You’re either in or you’re out.
This felt like mine.
I either believed in Jesus or I didn’t. I either believed what Jesus said or I didn’t. I either believed what Jesus did or I didn’t.
I had done all the homework my logical brain could muster. Went to church, read the Bible, talked to a bunch of people. I just had to decide if I believed it or if I didn’t.
Was I in or was I out?
I was in.
“Um…yeah,” I said as I took a deep breath. “You can put me down as Christian.”
…I did it. I said it out loud.
I took a breath of relief.
“Okay, but what kind?” she continued. Seriously?? I’m pouring my heart out to you lady! Can you lay off the third-degree questions?? I started to panic again.
“I don’t know. The kind that believes in Jesus?” I responded. Why was this so hard? Can I not just be Christian?
She has no idea what inner turmoil she was causing with her sweet and seemingly easy questions. “I need to check a box. Like Catholic or Lutheran or Presbyterian. Which one are you?” she asks again.
I don’t know, receptionist lady! I’m currently in the process of figuring it out and I have a lump in my neck!
After years of being annoyed with what I affectionately call “check the box religion,” the irony was not lost that I just professed my faith to a woman who was literally trying to check a box for my religion.
Now, it just so happened that this particular hospital building was next to our new church – the one I committed to going to in hopes of figuring things out. And it just so happened that the window behind the receptionist looked directly at our new church. So, with a little more frustration and force in my voice than I intended, I stuck my arm out, pointed my finger out the window and said “the kind of Christian that goes to THAT church.” At that point, I honestly didn’t even know what kind of church it was.
“Oh, you’re non-denominational,” she responded completely unfazed by my outburst. “Okay, your paperwork is done. Go have a seat,” and she sent me away.
That was it.
I walked away dumbfounded and speechless.
She put me through the wringer, I professed my beliefs to her, and she had no idea.
I sat down in my waiting room chair. I felt like a 15-year journey of denouncing religion and hiding from my own beliefs came to a screeching halt with the help of a neck lump and a clueless receptionist.
That day I learned that I was a Christian…with no denomination. That was my new identity. I still had questions for God (lots of them), but I wasn’t angry or bitter anymore. I was just His.
I also learned that the lump in my neck was not lymphoma and the chest x-ray probably wasn’t necessary. But maybe it was. Funny how things work out.
If you didn’t catch the rest of the Finding Faith series, be sure to check it out here!
Finding Faith, part 1: When Your Childhood Church Misses the Mark
Finding Faith, part 2: The Prayer That Changed Everything
Finding Faith: Epilogue - The Prayer That Changed Everything
